When we can begin to understand that flooding occurs when deeply felt emotions are being triggered, then we will be less likely to misinterpret the reaction as “crazy” or “oversensitive.” It is how humans are wired-to anticipate danger-and find ways to feel safe. It all seems out of proportion and an over-reaction. Since flooded reactions are so intense and seemingly out of the blue, it is confusing to couples about what is actually happening. The past becomes the present in those moments. When there are events in our life that have any similarity or remind us of previous negative events in our history, our brain perceives a threat and gets activated.Įnduring vulnerabilities are events that create an emotional wound that can be activated and re-lived in real time. Triggers are based on events in our own history that the brain encodes at the time and stored for future reference and safety. It becomes about survival, even though we may not be aware of what actually got triggered and what the underlying triggers are about. What that means is that the amygdala is running the show and the prefrontal cortex-the part of the brain associated with judgment and impulse control-is temporarily disengaged and not available. It is important to note that when partners get flooded, reactions are intense, come quickly, and are involuntary. This complex set of responses is referred to as “ flooding.” Chronic Flooding is Equated with Bad Outcomes in Relationships This process then activates other neurotransmitters and hormones, like adrenaline or noradrenaline that further increase physiology sustaining the anger and on-alert state. Associated with the memory functions in our brain, the amygdala sends signals of perceived threats, putting out an alarm that in turn activates neurotransmitters (catecholamines) that increase heart rate, blood flow, blood pressure, and breathing. So what happens in our brains when there is a strong angry reaction that is triggered creating a remarkable inability to communicate? It has to do with the sympathetic nervous system activated by small almond-shaped structures in our mid-brain called the amygdala. Maybe the Issue Is What’s Going On In Our Brain, Not Our Partner’s Brain. Usual filters and better judgment take a back seat to an escalated angry response that seems to come out of the blue. Unlike anger that is tripped by common day-to-day frustrations leading to irritability between partners and manageable negativity between partners (that’s normal), I am referring to an immediate and destructive flash of anger (or hurt) that forms our response to our partner and gets in front of our ability to put the brakes on. Reactions to injustice or advocacy for equality or fairness requires anger to mobilize steps for action and for change. There are instances when anger is an understandable and appropriate response. The positive aspects of anger will be covered in another article.Īnger is not always a secondary emotion to some other underlying cause. While it is normal for healthy couples to get angry, express negativity, and respond with negativity, some versions of anger are destructive, while other versions are actually constructive. The frozen version is shutting down as a numbed reaction. The fight version gives voice to our incredulous reaction with themes and variations on “How can you think that?” and “What’s wrong with you?” The withdrawal version has the same internal thoughts but played out in silence. Of course, we think there is something wrong with our partner’s brain, not our own brain. It’s amazing how efficient our brains are in mobilizing a fight or flight response, leading of course, to withdrawal, or full-on engagement, or feeling frozen (as in deer in the headlights). We are having a conversation and suddenly, or not so suddenly, bam!, our partner says something that lights up our internal fuse. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you are not alone.
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